After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
