whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
