She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
