Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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