Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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