My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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