god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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