my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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