Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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