When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
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