We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
