All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I just made out with a guy for $7.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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