What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
