Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
