I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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