Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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