1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
