for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
he was CRYING into my vagina
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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