There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
