Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
