i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
