it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
