went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
