Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
