watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
