I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
