bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
