I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
