my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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