Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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