He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
