I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
