I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
