I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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