you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
don't judge my taste in strippers
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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