Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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