No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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