bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
