The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
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