saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
