Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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