Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
