I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
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