I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
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