My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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