I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
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