So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
