his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
