You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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