i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
People with herpes should wear stickers.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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