Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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