i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
